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everytime ii wish
to be the best of myself
and finding the REAL me
so that ii can be the REAL person ii am today
Friday, January 11, 2008

hi everyone.. 

ii am moving my blog to a whole new level...

so below will be my link and if uu come here...
please see the url and relink me in your blog...

meandtherealme.blogspot.com (click me)


12:44 PM

Saturday, September 22, 2007

afternoon. morning sleep was the best man. though a bit hot larhx. but then still can sleep until noon.

today is saturday. supposed to be at the connect conference. however cause need to go for church services early to serve as ushers. ii decided not to go. seriously, it was very fun to be with the crusaders for anything. ii don know why but ii just felt that way.

as ii was blogging today, ii was actually thinking back on the past 16 years of my life. how ii treated it. how much ii love it. how much ii wish for things. basically everything that happen to my life. if uu were to ask me why ii would suddenly say this is because recently, ii just got better with my family as well as God. yupps.

thinking back...
1. ii have done seriously some stupid stuff that cannot solve anything in my life
2. ii never learnt how to treasure the love for God
3. ii never knew how much ii actually love to be with my family
4. ii am glad that ii am placed in this family because HE has a greater plan for me
5. everything that ii have gone through is part and parcel of how HE wants to nurture and groom me
6. ii never knew that life with God is really very great and life without is nothing

the list goes on. and ii just can't finish writing it. so ii just least some of the important ones. yupps. as ii say before. school is starting and these are my goals:
1. to work really hard
2. to attend all lectures, tutorials and practicals
3. to FOCUS on the things and "love" them even of ii don really am
4. to spend more and more time with my friends
5. being able to achieve a GPA of 2.8 (hopefully 3.0) after year 1

having all this, ii can say that ii might have change to be a person that learns how to appreciate life better and treating it in a way that God wants me to. and for now, ii am at home and will always pray for the strength of God to even go through the toughest time as school starts on monday. and that's all ii like to write for this entry. will update when school starts on monday. and ii need to practise my piano now. byebye



1:42 PM

heyyo. yeah 7 more days to my birthday... can't wait for the day to come when ii am 17 years.. but then again ii don expect it to come cause ii will be one year older and it is not fun. yupps.

haix... update update update... some people has asked me to do that... because ii remember my last post was after my exams... umm... school is starting on monday and seriously ii can't wait for that day to come... ii don know why but ii just love school now... get to go out with friends until late, etc... new semester new me... ii have set a goal to study really hard and push up my GPA of 1.833 to something better...

seriously, 1.833 is not the real me... this happens when ii play the whole semester... girl, no more playing now. school is important.. yupps. and no more day dreaming.. haha

just had first day of connect conference. it was great... saw sharon and joey... surprised.. but sad thing is that ii can't go for the second day cause have to go YA service at church... fun fun fun... it is a good thing that ii went for the first day...

what ii really want to thank God is for having to restore my relationship with him as well as with my daddy... thanks and ii will always love you... yupps.

will write another post when school reopens.. byebye




12:59 AM

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

heyy. ii am back. was blogging somehow and came across my friend's blog. saw this very funny thing and tried the 'quiz'. truely saying it is quite true to some extent. (should be larhx). but if you are free, then go try. the web link is:


my 'quiz' results...

You have confidence in your ability to get things done. You are a leader among friends, and a good one too. You are responsible and like to challenge yourself by taking up difficult tasks - and you usually succeed.

You're very careful and circumspect in all matters but you won't face any problems until they actually happen. Also you're a kind and sensitive person.

You are vigorous yet gentle. You appear to be mysterious to those who don't know you very well because you don't often reveal your feelings. You like to socialize and are popular among your peers.

You are soft-minded. You find it's too hard to say "No" to others, especially when you are pushed. Quite often, you are taken advantage of because of your soft-minded nature.

so is it true of me... the first one all the way to the last one. ii can say that to me it is like 95% true. everything that is mention is simply true. and ii don deny it at all. maybe for you, ii not sure if uu feel the same way but tell uu what... (ii don care what uu say man). anyway, that's all for this post. umm. see if ii can come back and post another post when ii am like super bored... byes



12:39 PM

as ii said before my exams are over. so my holidays are here. ya. but then my holidays don feel like holidays. cause still need to rush my piano stuff. grade 8. grr. but again ii am taking my piano exam next year so can slack a bit. but then still need to work hard if ii want to get a distinction for my grade 8 practical. and later can go for diploma exam which is more tougher than grade 8. studies over. piano is here for me to practice. yupp yupp. sian sian sian. cause nothing to do. nothing to do. nothing to do... ok. byes.



11:56 AM

EXAMS ARE FINALLY OVER!!! for this semester...



11:50 AM

Friday, August 17, 2007

today another exam paper. anatomy and physiology. how was it? sad. cannot do finish because forgot the answers for that 3 questions. and was almost late for the paper. woke up at 815am then was RAINING heavily. very emo. luckily when go exam room, they only started reading for the first 10 mins. but then after ii do the paper, ii superb emo because cannot do. very sad. and my friend told me that the percentage that they are taking are 60% of the whole module for this exam. if fail how? maybe out of school maybe not. ii really don know. now all depends on what the teacher will give. and determines my fate. whether ii will continue or not. haix. ii really don want to say le. bye



12:54 PM

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

heyy. ii just finish one of my paper on monday which is the analytical and physical chemistry. damn hard man. never finish paper. so sad. because of that might even fail the module. even worse is that for all the questions that ii have done, ii also not so sure of my answers whether they are correct or wrong. how... ii really do not want to forward this module but if ii have to then ii won't mind. just hope that ii will do better the next time. and this time looks like it will be very hard to join back my ministry. yesterday when ii was checking my mail again, this same mail about attendance was sent to my email. this also means one other bad thing is going to hapen because the school will send a letter to my parents and then they would just scold me upside down and ii can say that the consequences will be very bad, according to what is said the previous time. so how. and acting happy when uu are not. aiya. ii really don want to say le. so got to go. bye bye.



11:10 AM

Monday, August 6, 2007

long time never update. imagine since the day ii just put up my exam schedule into my blog. seeing it makes me stressed and emo. next week marks the week of the start of my schools semester's exam and everyone is studying like mad, memorizing what they have to memorize like formulas etc. for me ii have 3 papers and these 3 papers can easily kill anyone by studying because the contents is really very heavy to understand and apply.

so now ii am here slacking again. if not ii will be stressed and then will not feel like studying and then my exams will fail. but for now lets not talk about my studies but rather something else like what happen last week.

last week we had our monthly rage berry jam. ii went hoping it will turn out good. but obviously it did not. the theme was the conditions of our heart. and we in the beginning was asked to think of words to represent our hearts condition towards different aspects. in the middle of this, my mind was totally confused with emotions that ii was beginning to become emo. ii tried to control in the first place but because it was overwhelming ii could not so ii just sat at my sit and literally stared into space. at that time, ii was thinking how did ii pull through whenever people asked me how was ii. and everytime ii would say that ii am fine but actually it is all fake. ii would just smile at that person and look as if ii am alright in a sense. truly enough it is really tough acting in front of people that ii am fine which actually ii am not. how did ii always been able to do that in the first place? maybe not to let others be worried and concerned. this even happens towards my parents. serious.

umm. ii am not going to talk about this anymore. continue to act as ii am.



2:06 PM

Thursday, July 26, 2007

it's been long since ii put a new post into my blog. now ii shall update. yesterday was a very draining and stressful day. why? because ii have 2 big quizzes which have super lots of things to study. anatomy and physiology quiz as well as analytical and physical chemistry quiz. it's so much that ii almost cried when ii was studying. the funny thing is that when ii was studying people ask me what has anatomy and physiology got to do with the eyes. to answer that ii really don know what to say. and worst still ii have headaches which are so killing me and my mother was like saying don skip classes any old how. but this time ii really do have headache, so sure need lots of rest, that's why ii overslept. so not on purpose. umm. why can't anybody understand me... haiz... then today have anatomy and physiology practical test. and just came to know that next week ii have another 2 quizzes which are general optics (killer) and human biochemistry (another killer). haiz... but actually ii don feel that stress provided that ii do my constant revision which ii am going to start soon. and ii show uu my exam schedule. it is below.

CP4001A&PC13 Aug 20076:00pm - 8:10pm

CP2038A&PHY117 Aug 20079:00am - 11:10am

CP3034GENOPT20 Aug 2007
2:00pm - 4:10pm

night paper also have. what in the world is this... so sad. and later at 4pm ii have another tutorial. mathematics. should ii go??? YES. ii love to draw graphs so ii will go. now is slacking time so can blog also. at night after all classes have to do year 3 contact lens project. haiz. will reach home at 8pm plus. so late... haiz. ok. maybe ii shouldn't sigh anymore. makes me emo. and people "complain" say ii never answer phone and reply msg. it is not that ii don want to reply or answer. it is because ii am lazy to do so. cause if answer then sure talk very long. if reply then more msg coming in. yupps. tonight and tomorrow have enthics session and ii am not going cause need to do certain things.

so what's my condition now? to say ii have not started any counselling session and ii feel that my life has been back to normal like nothing has happen before. and to add this is no good. tsk tsk. cause everything has not been settled properly also. so if the same thing going to happen again, then the whole condition will be worse than before because it is like adding on to the previous hurts. yupps.

umm. think ii will end here. so byes.



2:49 PM

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

ii don know what to write...



11:34 AM

Monday, July 16, 2007

many people have read my blog and they would probably know part of what is going on. and to all those that wants to leave a tag, PLEASE leave your name. ii don want an anonymous entry into my chatbox. and ii say it again never leave your tags un-named. bear this in mind that if you want to leave a tag. if you have read my blog want to know more, please don ask me because ii don want to repeat what ii said to a few people again and again cause really it will make me emo and then ii will just cry every night. this is really not what ii want to happen. and just to update. ii am going to go thru a few sessions of counseling to have a total release from my depression that many people don know. and seriously ii have not spoken to a certain person for 3 full days till now, and if tonight pass it will be the fourth day. now the only person that ii trust is currently no one cause all those around me are those that causes a lot of ups and downs to me and thus, ii don trust them. ii heard once someone told me that man will fail but God will not. ii truely agree with this saying partially because man do really fail uu sometimes and for God, ii realized that my relationship is going down and ii have many doubts about my own religion even with my parents. and stopping church as ii have said before is what ii might do because... (ii won't say here and don ask me). so this is what ii want to say that's all. for now, uu can continue reading and know more in the future when ii really conquer my own emotions.

to anonymous: if uu think uu have said enough then just leave me alone. ultimately there will be someone that can also help me together with myself. uu might think people have said enough of it but it might only be yourself and not the rest. and please leave your name if uu want to put a tag in the chatbox.



3:06 PM

Friday, July 13, 2007

how ii wish someone will come and take my life away!!! cause ii really cannot take it anymore in my life. from yesterday onwards ii have become depressed to do many things that can harm myself, things like slashing my wrist and cry everyday. ii will want to do it. it feels like my depression syndrome from last year has come back yesterday. and sorry to say that ii did slash two times on my wrist because ii could barely take it and ii could do nothing. ii cannot believe that my dad would say such things that really make me stumble to have a parent like him. he said things like he don care if ii commit suicide because after they cry cry cry for a few days then bury me then life will be alright for them. he even criticized my friends saying that all of them are bad and will say that my dad is unreasonable which is so not true. and then he even say that if he find out that ii called my friends to seek advice, he will then scold that person as well. ii mean how could a dad in this world say that and look things into this way. you know how much it really sadden me. and ii would rather my dad to disown me than to say such things. ii seriously feel like ii should not have been born in this world. ii know my own school's system, ii have set my goals and even before my dad receive that letter, ii have already received an email on the same thing and ii already know what to do. and if ii were to fail that module now, ii have to just do only that module in addition to the other modules that ii have next year that's all. why would my dad not listen to what ii have to say and scold me like ii don know everything. ii really don mind he scold me but what ii mind is that he criticized my friends and even like bring jonliew into the whole thing. like what has jonliew got to do with my problem. because of that ii have been doubting my own religion and ii really ponder whether ii do have a relationship with God in the first place. so ii have decided to stop church, never to attend cell and any service because even in going to church, ii have been constricted so badly that ii don see anything in going to church anymore. imagine a christian dad to say that you can only attend services where seriously my spiritual level will never grow and not going for cell and serve in other ministry that can help in growing my spiritual life. in the first place ii really think why would ii have such a dad. time and again he has been threatening to kick me out of the house, disowning me and stop me from serving in ministry and not even going for rage berry jam. what in the world is this. ii have enough of crying last night and ii feel that ii will be crying for the next few days, weeks, months, ii really not sure. and ii have really decided to totally stop church because ii see no meaning in going to church already, having to know that ii have seen no meaning in it.



9:47 AM

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

bored! bored! bored! ii am bored to the core. ii am blogging now at 245pm in the afternoon in the campus crusade room and listening to someone playing don-know-what-thing on the guitar. and ii am bored. actually or supposingly ii do have a tutorial now but ii did not attend because ii don want to go (no mood) and ii always pon her class (sorry to say that but ii really do that). not guai right... so don learn from me. ii really no hope le. year one only then like that. haix....... how to tahan till year three. (shrugs shoulder) umm. ii am really BORED!!! have to wait till 5pm when ian comes and start the worship practice for crossroads on thursday. ii am bored...ok. let's talk about yesterday evening to night since ii have nothing to say and am bored.

MONDAY: had DG with wenbing and vera and val was there. so sad pris was not there. the funny thing is we only finish the first 2 pages of the lesson and only 1 question. haha. no time mah. start late also. cannot help it. during the DG, me and vera was laughing away because at another table, someone that we don know was watching herbie fully loaded and then the volume was at its max. then because the part that person was watching was the part with loud music and a lot of driving so both of us laughed. then at the same time, wenbing was teaching the lesson then she heard us laughing then she was like so conscious of what she was teaching. relax larhx. it is not about uu anyway. after DG we went home, me and wenbing took bus home together because we stay near each other and alight at the same stop. on the way home ii called joel because he never call me yesterday which he supposed to but he reached home very late. ii called then he answered the phone but he not free and also ii don want wenbing to know what we talking about so after 5 minutes we hang up the phone. because of that when ii was taking the lift up to the 24th floor, ii smsed joel on how ii don really tell on the phone even if ii have something to say before that. and actually this smsing could be very short but end up it was very long because after he got the msg he wrote some encouraging things which make me cannot take it but to have the urge to tell someone about the things ii did to hurt myself again. (don ask me what are the things) but ii am really glad that he is not going to tell for the time being because ii am trying to stop all these things myself and if ii cannot really handle then he will tell. so ii am quite glad about that. this was what happen yesterday.

after the whole smsing, ii was really thinking to myself whether ii am going to continue the way ii am and the things ii do to hurt myself. and ii was feeling sort of guilty because there are many other people that are looking at me and they have a lot of expectations from me as well. so why should ii let others be stumbled? and ii was thinking maybe ii should stop but ii really don know now. ii think ii will know it myself after a few days of serious thinking. so for now ii don want to say anything about everything and just wait a few days. but ii believe that ii will be able to stop because ii also don want others to be stumbled upon what ii have done that they are hurt especially HIM.

so for now. ii am going to say that ii am ending the post because ii also don have much things to say le. so byes.



2:40 PM

today finally had one of my presentation done. ii am so happy because ii really hated that module. but then at the same time ii also very scared because ii might have to forward this module due to my attendance. so sad. nevertheless, ii did complete 75% of the module already so must not give up. umm. later ii have a tutorial but ii am not going because the teacher sucks and ii also don like cause ii will be sleeping in the class also. so might as well don go. and uu know what my class was chosen to go to the SP national day ceremony. so sianx and unlucky to be chosen. so sad. but this does not make me emo now cause firstly ii will not be emo in front of my friends and secondly ii made a wish to know how to control my emotions and stop hurting myself (which ii will try). yupps. so now ii am cheerful again, and hoping to stay that way all the time which is impossible for me now. school life now is boring when all the test are coming again, the semester's exam and end term paper. so stress. (hope someone will come and kill me if they do). hopefully. yupps. and for now that's all. byes



12:22 PM

Monday, July 9, 2007

this is blog during my lunch break and because of that all ii can type is my morning for today. when ii woke up this morning ii was thinking whether ii would want to go for mathematics lesson at 10am because ii don feel like going and then no mood also. but when ii am on the way in the bus, ii decided to go if not ii will not be sitting in the bus already but rather at home sleeping till 12pm. umm. recently ii don know why but ii have been quite emo again and soon my depression syndromes might even come back to my life like last year. as ii was saying it was lunch time now. ii did not feel like eating because my appetite was killed by myself and ii really having cramps that is so superb pain to bear. yupps. later after lunch ii will be having lecture on general optics (so boring!). then ii will do 2 projects which we aim to finish in 2 hours because after that ii have DG with friends from campus crusade. should ii go or not??? ii really don know. urgh... emo again (NO!!!). ii will control my emotions for NOW! (but ii hate it)

due to my emo-ness last night, ii took this photo of myself.

this is my another photo on dinner and dance with jeremiah. thanks guy for all the encouragement that uu gave me whenever ii am facing a lot of difficulties last year and this year. thanks.



12:23 PM

Sunday, July 8, 2007

umm. as usual my sundays are wasted. to go for piano classes in the afternoon. the good news is that ii have changed my piano lessons to tuesdays 830pm. so late!!! urgh. but ii like it because ii can get emo on the way home. (no larhx. just joking). ii am trying my best not to get emo also, like ii wanted it all along. urgh. ok. let's talk about yesterday which is superb horrible for me. because firstly, ii really don feel like going for the meeting with isaac, jeanie and brother alex. super early in the morning and ii was late as usual. can't wake up. then got "lecture" by one of them (not to say name) of being late. this got me emo after that which make me not to enjoy the jamming session for sp egig. hate it loads. after jamming, got even more emo. wanted to let out but cannot. urgh urgh. stayed in church to study while the rest go for lunch. at 3pm went for the first youth service in grace 2. fun and very spiritually filled because had a vision from God and guess what it is about. a tour in my secondary school. ii was remembered of my teachers, friends and other people that are in the school. so touching that ii cried after that. then my emo problem got better. young adult not that good for me and don want to say about it. rushed home after that cause of certain reasons then went to lot 1 to have dinner with sp cell. went home on mrt and bus cause forced to. actually wanted to take direct bus home but some people scared ii emo all the way home lorhx. reached home at ten plus. at that time my mind was thinking of loads of things. there was this mind blogging question which was whether my emo feeling will affect the way ii play for sevice. then message joel but later topic change to me having mild depression and that whole conversation will continue on the phone today because smsing in super expensive for me. urgh. umm. that was my yesterday and today and ii totally hate it loads but why? ii also cannot answer myself. anyway byes.



6:29 PM